


half of fate, half of faith

by elixirene



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-01 21:19:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16292009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elixirene/pseuds/elixirene
Summary: inspired by joy luck clubjisoo has never really cared about faith, the only thing prominent in his inner omega is fate and how it binds so tightly in his heart and memories.





	half of fate, half of faith

**Author's Note:**

> in this story, junhao is kinda implied here bcos it's in jisoo's pov :] I was inspired by amy tan's jlc book and the mother-daughter pairing of an-mei & rose!! this chapter is based on half and half in the book. do check out this book bcos it talks abt the struggles immigrant chinese mothers face in america and their hopes & dreams for their daughters :) I hope u enjoy this fanfic!
> 
> p.s. minghao & junhui are prob in their early to mid-thirties, jisoo is 13, jihoon, seokmin & hansol are prob ard 7-10 years old and chan is ard 4 years old

Ever since Chan’s death, my mother’s Bible was abandoned to become a wedge under a too-short table leg, signifying the loss of his faith in God. It’s been there for ten years, yet its pristine white cover never has a smudge of dust and its pages have never yellowed. My mother pretends the Bible isn’t there but whenever I mention it to him, his usually comforting plum blossom scent turns sour as he nonchalantly says, “Oh, this? I forgot about it.” My mother is not the best housekeeper in the world, and after all these years that Bible is still clean white.

I’m a 23 year old omega, currently studying composition major at College of Music in Seoul National University. Never once in my life have I ever thought of having faith in myself. Perhaps it is just his thick Chinese accent that blurred my mother’s mispronunciation of ‘faith’ and ‘fate’ whenever he talks about faith being an important factor of allowing one to achieve something, because he couldn’t pronounce that ‘th’ sound in ‘faith’. But it doesn’t really matter to me anymore for as I progressed from a teenager to my early twenties, I found out that maybe it was fate all along. No amount of faith can help you control the inevitable things in your life and like the good, stereotypical omega I am, I always allow fate to take over and subject myself to the ridiculous yet everlasting norms of my sub-gender: “Jisoo, you are an omega, you have to learn when to speak and when to keep your mouth shut in front of an alpha.” or “Jisoo don’t be stupid, omegas need to stay at home to take care of their children, not go out and get a job. Be more realistic.”

If people were to say these to me when I was a child, I would cry to my mother and whine about how stupid and unfair being an omega was. He would stroke my hair and tell me firmly that without omegas, these people would be nothing. Without omegas, they wouldn’t even exist. I can use faith to change my fate of being an omega. Now, I just keep these comments to myself as I cannot help but think, maybe it is my fate to be an omega and nothing, not even faith, can help me change the way I am or even the events that will change my life.

*

I remember that Sunday morning, when my mother had just washed the dishes after breakfast and my father was sitting on the sofa, talking to an enraptured Seokmin in his lap about his childhood in Anshan, Liaoning. Jihoon and Hansol were playing roughhouse with one another and getting their scents all over. My mother shouted at them to stop while carrying Chan in his arms. I was tuning my guitar in the corner of the living room, enclosed in my personal bubble of plastic strings and guitar chords. Just then, my father suggested that the whole family went to the beach for an outing and suddenly, all my brothers scrambled to their bedrooms to find their swimwear.

“Jisoo, _guolai (come here)_ .” My father was hovering over me, opening his arms to wrap me in a bear hug. I immediately put down my instrument and jumped into his arms, nose brushing against his gland as I took in his scent of orchids and natural musk. Chan whined incoherently in my mother’s arms, something about wanting my father to hug him too. My mother only giggled as he swayed my brother like a _yaolan_ in the gentle wind, eliciting a fond chuckle from my father. After which, they put me and Chan down to get ready for our outing. I held his hand gently as we walked to our shared bedroom, humming the tune of a traditional Chinese children’s song.

*

So there we were, 7 of us with our heads turned towards the vast expanse of the silver sea and the salty seawater stinging our noses. We looked hilarious, if I were to be very honest, with our hair whipping wildly by the strong winds of the seaside. When we chose a good spot to lay our picnic mat down onto the sand, we had to hold it down with our slippers with much difficulty. To me, the outing was just our immigrant Chinese parents trying to give their oldest American-born son and younger Korean-born children a normal Korean child’s day at the beach. As usual, my brothers and father played in the sea while I built sandcastles with Chan. My mother had told me to watch out for all my brothers, especially the youngest, Chan.

“Jisoo, you are the oldest. You must watch out for all your _didi (younger brothers)._ ” He told me sternly before I had run off with Chan. Despite being only 13 years old, I could feel the weight of my mother’s words: your brothers are your responsibility, an honourable promise to what your parents’ have done for you to have such a good life.

Somewhere along the outing, we all stopped to have a quick lunch my mother had prepared before going our separate ways again. My father decided to take a walk along the narrow piers while all my brothers except for Chan spent their time in the sand. “ _gege (older brother)_ , I want to join _baba (dad)_ by myself.” I can still remember the sweet osmanthus scent of Chan as I piggybacked him along the seashore. I put him down and replied, “Okay, but watch your step and stay away from the edge of the piers. There are bad things underwater.”

Chan nodded eagerly and just as I watched him skip towards my father, my mother frantically called out for me. “Jisoo-ya, stop your _didi_ from fighting! It’s getting out of hand!” I quickly ran to tear Hansol from clawing at Jihoon’s face while Seokmin was cheering on them to continue the fight. It took quite a while for me to separate both of them and as soon as I did, I remembered Chan. I looked up to see him balancing along the edge of the piers and realised that my father’s back was turned against him, so there was no way he could notice Chan. My mother was busy reprimanding my brothers in his usual rapidfire Chinese to even notice Chan.

 _He’s gonna fall in_ , I thought as Chan started to teether dangerously towards the sea. I didn’t know what I was thinking, but I just stood at my spot, waiting for my prediction to come true. In a blink of an eye, Chan lost balance and fell into the sea with a soft splash. I felt as though I couldn’t breathe, an unsettling feeling sinking in my chest as my eyes replayed that horrifying moment. I sank to my knees and weakly croaked out, “Chan fell into the sea.”

My mother dashed towards the piers with my brothers in tow, screaming at my father to find and save Chan. I was the only one still frozen, tears of immense fear threatening to burst out while taking in the scents of my family members turning sour. What happened afterwards was a blur, I could only remember my mother jumping into the sea to search for Chan while my father called the police. My brothers were huddled in the car, muttering verses to pray for Chan’s safety that they had learned during lessons with uncle Seungcheol at the church. My father, upon seeing me gazing at the sea wistfully with moist eyes and a trembling body, tried to soothe me by hugging me and whispering that it would be alright. _Chan is gone, it’s all your fault._ My inner omega hissed at me and I broke down, clutching at my father’s shirt while I sobbed.

Eventually, the police had to inform us that despite their efforts, Chan’s body could not be found at all. My parents could only nod silently and return to the car. I refused to budge, staring at the piers and replaying the scene over and over again. How could this happen? My beloved brother, gone just like that, all because of my responsibility and hesitance. “Jisoo-ya, _bienameshangxin. didiyidinghuihuilaide. huijiaba._ ” Jisoo, don’t be so sad, I’m sure we will find Chan, let’s go home. And at that moment, I knew that it was too late to do anything, too late to have hope in finding Chan.

*****

I have watched my younger brothers grow up into promising young men, and I cannot help but wonder how would Chan look like if he were still alive. Would he take up music theory in the same university as me? Would he be as tall as Jihoon? Would he have that same eye smile like he had when he was little? Would he blame me, his useless, oldest omega brother for letting him fall into the sea? And most importantly, be it him being alive or gone, would he forgive me for not stopping his demise? I ask myself this question every day without fail. Since then, my parents stand on a faraway shore to watch me become someone so passive and different, as my mother carries his Bible with Chan’s name lightly written in the ‘Death’ section in pencil.

**Author's Note:**

> do leave kudos or comments if u liked this fanfic! I rly appreciate it!


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